HAWAIIAN WORD OF THE DAY - Wai halana: Flood
HAWAIIAN PROVERB OF THE DAY - “When the leaves of the ‘ama’u turn toward the upland, it is a sign of a flood.”

September 17: GUEST DATER TODAY - the Maui Curmudgeon
The average highs and lows for Kahului on this day, are 88 and 70 degrees respectively.

What’s global warming?
To start, it’s something to have some fun with. Put aside cause for now. Some people actually think this is a natural phenomenon, but then some people think George Bush really won Florida in 2000. So, let’s shove cause on a shelf, and avoid that argument with those delusionals, who for reasons yet investigated seem to choose to live in red states.

What can’t be denied is the huge increase in CO2 in the air - 30% more than has been found in ice tests reflecting air quality for the past several million years. And the most important question to ask is, of course, what does this mean for Maui?

Well, if the Ross Ice Shelf falls en masse into the ocean, not too much. The Ross Ice Shelf is about the size of France. Just a few years ago, back when terror really threatened the U.S., our Congress was hard at work renaming French Fries ‘freedom fries’, so I’m sure some knee-jerk conservatives are still wishing France itself would fall into the ocean. It won’t. The Ross Ice Shelf is likely to, and in the next few years. Though France isn’t small (say, like the Vatican is), it is not so relatively big to Mother Earth that the ocean will rise much. Here at home, the water’s edge is going to be a few feet closer to parking. What convenience!

However, if the Western Antarctic Ice Shelf goes as some are now predicting, the ocean is going to rise 18 to 25 feet. This means, of course, that the central valley area will disappear, except for some high ground, mostly centered around our landfills, which hover around 37 feet in altitude. Kihei will go, too, but then no one with common sense has thought Kihei was still around anymore. It’s looked like the ass-end of San Diego for years.

What immediate steps can we Mauians take to work with this?
The Maui Common Council needs to stop all development above 30 feet in altitude, and open the permit process for valley building, primarily for self-insured, filthy rich people. Most of them tend to be conservatives who don’t ‘believe’ in global warming anyway, as if global warming was as arbitrary as, say, religion. This should shut up the developers complaining about how they can’t spread concrete fast enough around here. Also, let’s move those whiny vacation rental people to the valley as well, and let them have at it. Both concrete and vacation rentals will make great reefing material.

We should immediately begin a name contest. After all, Maui will now be two islands, and will require two names. The obvious choice for West Maui is Waikiki, but that’s taken. I vote for Fugly. It has a vague non-American sound to it. And, what the hell, invite the Superferry to Fugly. It could dock at one of the fourth floors of the abandoned monstrosities on the coast. And how fun will it be to scuba famous hotel lobbies, eh?

East Maui might actually become cooler. Pa’ia could become the capital, and Willie Nelson the first Mayor. Hana Highway wouldn’t have all those pitiful Hana-bound tourists, though it is fun to watch one from time to time pulled over to the roadside and puking.

Of course, all this is academic, and really, nothing much to worry about, not because it’s not going to happen but because it will happen too late. You see, those billions of tons of CO2 in the air? What goes up must come down. In this case, into those same oceans, and it’s making the water acidic, in some places now as much as .20. No one knows what the tipping point is, but some guess it’s .40. When that is reached, the oceans will die, and quickly, as much of Chesapeake Bay and the Gulf of Mexico already has. And with them, humanity.

 I’m sure something of note happened on tomorrow’s date here on Maui, but if not, I’m happy to return. Thanks for reading.