Come on & Join Us
By Maui Curmudgeon

This is the 1st in a 7-part series of Maui Curmudgeon’s tour of the Hawaiian Islands.

OK, we’ve given up. For years we’ve prayed that tourists stop coming here. (Proof 17,671 that there is no god). The tourists keep coming. We’ll be blunt: we don’t mind travelers, you know, those people who come and take pictures and leave footprints and all that. But we despise tourists, the pasty fat inbreds who come here to swing a golf club, clog our roads, drag along their screaming brats, and whine about the prices.

We now realize that everyone’s gonna come anyway, and we’ve decided to help them.

Recently (the past two months) we have revisited every major Hawaiian island, and so we’ve decided to help you with your travels. First up, Oahu.

We on the neighbor islands love Oahu. Why? Because the majority of tourists who visit Hawaii go to Oahu and STAY PUT. Isn’t that nice of them?

The truth is you can’t find Hawaii on Oahu. It’s gone. (Spare us the “if you drive to the north shore and close one eye and pretend…” We repeat. It’s gone.)

The island is a clogged city with two-hour traffic jams, severely incompetent cops (90% of Oahu felonies are never solved) and now, gang warfare. That’s right, the crips and bloods, those notorious Los Angeles gangs, have made a foothold in Honolulu, and are, no surprise, fighting each other for drug turf.

To summarize, then, we’d have to say in all honesty – and we’re going to be truthful here – we hope like hell you go to Oahu and stay, but you’d be out of your mind and waste all your money, if you do.

What makes Oahu worth visiting:

The Arizona Memorial. You know the ship that sank in the harbor during the attack on Pearl Harbor? It’s one of the most moving places you will ever experience. Go.

There. Boy, this travel advice thing is easy.

Next up: Lanai.