Come On & Join Us - Kauai
By Maui Curmudgeon

This is the 5th in a 7-part series of Maui Curmudgeon’s Hawaiian Islands Tour.

Kauai is easily the worst island in the chain, bar none. It would take a book to describe how badly the island operates, how ridiculous the people are, how sad the place is. We are stymied on where to begin on this most abhorrent of Hawaiian Islands.

How about this: in the past year, three groups of people from other islands have gone to visit Kauai, at separate times. Everyone of them rearranged their trip to return home early, one after a single day.

Or this: 70% of the people born on Kauai never even visit the neighbor islands. These myopic people try to run things, and with excruciating results. On Maui, we’re used to incompetent government. On Kauai, it’s severely criminal. How criminal? This past week the mayor’s father was indicted for corruption.

Or this: on a trip there two weeks ago everyone we met whom we liked, whom we would like to see again, was from somewhere else, several people from New York City.

What makes Kauai worth visiting:

Not a goddammed thing, we swear. Still, some of you will go, and in the spirit of helpfulness -

Those with serious money should fly directly into Princeville airport and take the shuttle bus to Princeville Resort and STAY PUT. Don’t leave the grounds. If they don’t have what you want, it can’t be had. The view from there has been called, justifiably, the greatest in the state. Just don’t leave, or you’ll be sorry.

Stay away from 99% of the Bed & Breakfasts. Kauai hasn’t the guts to do what Maui finally did: close down most of the B&B’s because they were illegal anyway. It’s more than likely your B&B will be in a suburb of Lihue or Kapa’a near the Wailua River.

You should know that it is likely you will be located in a place that resembles Bakersfield CA, complete with somewhat dilapidated ranch houses, neighbors who mow at 7:30am and dogs and roosters that ruin your sleep.

Don’t stay at the Sheraton, which, as the Lonely Planet guide says, is most like “an amoeba,” which is about right. Sprawled, ugly and disjointed, the Sheraton is a lost cause. And the food is very underwhelming. Particularly, avoid the breakfast. Please.

The canyon the canyon the canyon. OK, so go see the canyon. Very pretty. Was it worth all that money?

If you’re considering going to Kauai, don’t. If you can’t be dissuaded, at least:

• Avoid Kapa’a between 8am and 4pm, or it will take you up to 90 minutes to move three miles. You think we’re kidding….
• Shop at the Kapa’a Safeway only if you enjoy grocery stores that smell…
• Don’t have anything to do with anything named Hale Nani. Anything. We warned you.
• Eat at Pomodoro’s, in Kalaheo. It may be the best Itialian food you’ve ever had.
• See, we LOOKED for good things, we really did.

Next up: The Maui