Come On & Join Us - Maui
By Maui Curmudgeon

This is the 6th in a 7-part series of Maui Curmudgeon’s Hawaiian Islands Tour.

We live here, so yeah, we still like it. Most tourists go to the west side with Lahaina, or the south side, like Kihei and Wailea. Most of us residents have simply given up on the west and south.

Kihei looks like the ass-end of a Pittsburgh suburb on a bad day. Lahaina is choked with traffic which, frankly, tourists deserve if they are going to stay there. And yeah, developers have pretty much paved whole square miles of the place, but then, they are evil and will spend an eternity burning in hell anyway so we look forward to that on their behalf.

Maui is still worth it though. But unlike the previous island pieces we’re going to describe things a little differently here.

Five things you’ll likely do on Maui you shouldn’t:
A luau – forget them. They are outrageously expensive and nothing like what an actual luau was in Hawaii. Go to what many think is the best on Maui – the Old Lahaina Luau – and you’ll feel more than anything else like you’re in your High School cafeteria. People call your table number, you get food from bowls behind glass. Trust us – Hawaiians didn’t do it that way. Oh, and the fire twirlers paid to entertain you? They’re probably from Tahiti.

Golf – nothing quite ruins a local ecology like a golf course. No more golf courses are planned for Maui. Even the corrupt and incompetent county council has had enough, of courses, and golfers. If you golf, you’ll golf here. Please enjoy the outrageous prices and know you have a reserved table in eternity next to the developers. You deserve each other.

Hana – Yeah, we’re sorry but it’s time to admit that the all-day, barf-inducing road isn’t worth it anymore. You want the experience without wasting your day? Take Hana Highway to mile marker 2 (they reset at Kaupakaloa Rd. – this drives tourists nuts. We always see cars pulled over there looking at maps wondering where they went wrong. They didn’t. Just stay on the road.) Along the way you’ll pass breathtaking scenery, the roads however will be by and large straight (compared to what you’re heading to anyway), and at mile-marker two you can visit two of the greatest jungle waterfalls ever – Twin Falls. Then go back.

Snorkel – with two exceptions, (noted below), don’t bother. The runoff from overpriced hotels and overbuilt condos and developments have ruined the offshore reefs (eating fish caught within a quarter mile of the Maui shore is prohibited – they are bad for your health). Look underwater and see, well, not much. A few fish, struggling to survive, coral once rich in colors has gone bland – greys and muted blues mostly. It’s hard to tell the difference between that and the sandy bottom. It’s very disheartening.

Haleakala Sunrise – Locally it’s a test for idiocy. If you go, we know you’re an idiot. (See below.)

Five things you should do you probably won’t:

Poli poli: it’s the quietest spot on the island, a 20,000 acre park of redwoods (yah on Maui) and it’s enough to save your soul. Go ONLY if you have a high-sitting car or SUV, otherwise you’ll be paying for undercarriage work on your rental. The road is not only not paved, it’s cratered.

Haleakala at Sunset: Bring a picnic. Go about two hours before sunset and take a hike for a bit. Then, drive up to the crater and roam around – it’s a great place. Then, go to your car and eat. Wait for the stars to come out. You didn’t know there were so many, did you?

The Aquarium – WE DO NOT MEAN THE MAALAEA MESS. This is a natural aquarium off the tip of south Maui. It’s the only spot for snorkeling left off coastal Maui. It’s hard to get to, parking is a bitch and you gotta walk a loooooong way. It’s worth it. The way snorkeling used to be, where you get into the water and literally hundreds of colors dart about your feet. OK – drive to Makena but keep going. Get to Ahihi Bay. Keep going. Eventually, you gotta stop (too many tourists ruined the place so they have blocked off a lot of parking. Pray the morons are all golfing and you get a space.) Now, walk. There’s a path, sort of, over the lava rocks, which are neat in themselves. But just keep walking. About 45 minutes at a good pace and you come to a small bay, of pure azure water. You’ll know your there if you see six different kinds of fish in less than a minute.

Little Beach on Sunday – Makena beach is one of the world’s greatest beaches. When you get there, marvel. Then, walk right, or north, come to a lava spit, and climb. On the other side is a clothing optional beach which is the best spot on planet earth for boogie boarding and body surfing. The sand under your toes goes out a mile underwater, and during whale season, underwater, you can hear whales talking. On most Sundays, especially those near a full or new moon, the beach is crawling with musicians, fire jugglers, belly dancers, and hosts of people, all coming together in a great musical, visual, sometimes drugged-soaked extravaganza, all free. Clothes or no clothes, no one is going to bother you. This is among the mellowest places on earth.

Northwest Maui – Yeah this is the road Hana Hwy used to be. Pretty vistas all the way around from Wailuku to Ka’anapali. It’s a third as long as Hana Hwy, just as beautiful and a lot closer to you than Hana is.

Finally, a few recommendations:

We don’t care if it’s a franchise, Flatbread Restaurant in Paia is easily the best pizza and salad on Maui.

The local paper, the Maui News, is a joke. Don’t bother. We don’t.

Grocery shopping: Safeway over Foodland, either over Star Market. Cheap great food to take to the condo? VIP, off Hobron St. in Kahului, but you’ve got to hunt for it. Buying in Bulk? Yeah, Costco. We don’t love it but we shop there too.

See all the, ahem, “overweight” residents around Maui? They eat “local grinds”. We recommend eating local food only if you want to pay lots of money to your cardiologist.

Lots of water trips around maui for various reasons are real rip-offs. Two which aren’t are snorkeling to Molikini (no we aren’t related to anyone who owns a boat) and America II sailing.

So, enjoy Maui. Then leave. Thanks.

And finally, tomorrow: Kahoolawe